When you figure out that the more you learn the less you know, it's like that's when the clouds are lifted, and you see things as absolutely rotten as they really are, and then you have to look at yourself, evaluate exactly why you're doing what you're doing, what the motive is, and what's cost effective compared to the reality of faith if you have it. What's more -- you have to acknowledge your place and God's place, and if you dare admit that you have not elevated yourself to the same level of importance as Christ, the ladder you stand on crumbles, and you fall. Then you have to deal with what you actually have faith in. You have to figure out if that faith is really worth keeping. Yet if it's a saving faith, you know that no matter how much you hate what it's doing to you because you're at war with the sin inside yourself, you can't run from it, and you can't not keep it. You can't give it back. You're sworn into an eternal contract and no matter how much you hate it at times, you spend your time coming to terms with higher and higher levels of holiness that crush every single thought you've ever had. Squashed like an ant underfoot an elephant. That same faith that leaves you breathless and agonized and in despair and longing always for something slightly out of reach is the same faith, ironically, that you cling to, that you desire more than the air you breathe, that you bear witness to every day even in the midst of your angst, and that saved you, even if being saved means you are surely cursed in this life with every step you take. Furthermore, that faith in Christ that you long for is put inside you to long for because it's just God drawing you closer to Him, even though you are desperate. What denounces and renounces the desires of your flesh is that which God delights in, only, you won't find out the fullness of His reward for your faithfulness unless you persevere through every ugly moment of your toiled and burnt-out life for the sake of the cross.
And if you don't have this kind of faith, the saving kind that perseveres, if you run and wuss out like most of the pathetic world, you beat your brow, and at some point, you end up in the position I'm in -- in which you know what God wants from you because He's put eternity into your heart and you can't escape it, and everything inside you wants nothing to do with it. When you know how to love because God has taught you, you know what is required of you because God is inside you, and you are so mad at the world that you don't give a rip anymore because you can't do enough to stop the sin that bothers you most, even though it's out of your authority to do so, and you just want to run away and let evil be evil, let God be God, and let yourself be a speck on someone else's desk to scrub off, you finally figure out that really, everything is vanity, and that which you are given has to be enjoyed for the measly little joy that's in it, that making merry by watching a stupid Netflix show, if that's the best you can do in the midst of the chaos that you call your life, that waking up and being glad you have corrosive water from your sink to drink because it's actually drinkable even if it's killing you slowly, you see that there's nothing else to this life but Christ. Everything else is death. It's death and it's so dead you can't even tell. Unless you've tasted real life, all you know is death, and that's why you don't even think what is dead is really dead.
You can keep the damn glamour. It is damned, of course. All of it is. But you can keep it, so long as you are stingy and believe that you deserve it more than someone else, even if they do have a need. Earn it, right? That's what you say. "I have it, so why not do as I please?" people say. I'll tell you why not. Because the needs outweigh your joy in it. And because there is joy in blessing those with needs. Your glamorous days would be of so much more worth if you bought someone else that coffee. You could tell them what it's like to have a cup that overflows, even when on that day you feel like you are not only claiming stale-mate, but that your cup is so dry, it's shriveling into itself. Truth is truth, regardless of how it makes us feel, of course.
Out of the way, unseen, untouched. Sometimes I feel like that speck on the desk I mentioned. Sometimes I want to be that speck. And sometimes, I'd like to be the one scrubbing it, ridding the world of a tiny bit of its taint and damage from sinfulness and the wicked nature that begets a man even before he is born into this world.
Materialistic crisis. Emotional crisis. Spiritual breakdown. It absolutely sucks, and that's what I've been dealing with. I've been writing almost as fast as I type with my pen and journal lately -- thoughts like these that just aren't fit for the rest of the world, just because I find no reason in airing out thoughts that God is taking me through just to have people tear them to pieces or say they don't understand. Right now, the thoughts are here because they need to be. My husband and I had some really bad stuff happen, my son and I stayed away a few days, God did a deep work in some areas (though He's still doing it), in between all that we fell into a bad (I mean worse than usual) spot financially, I freaked out about money when I didn't have a good reason to as a Christian, because my "freak out" was simply a lack of trust in my husband and God, and my faith was not where it needed to be because I was not in the Word enough, and left and right, there was baggage that needed to be cleaned up.
It's not the 'how-to' that needs answering for. Well, maybe it is that, too. Mostly it's the timing. I have been purging things in my house that I can sell. This week we're having a yard sale because we just don't need all that we have. We have so little compared to others that some people we know are starting to get concerned, but from our perspective, we have too much. The interesting thing is that as we're trying to sell things... God is breaking off a spirit of poverty inside me that has crippled me my entire life.
The breaking of the spirit of poverty in my life that has dominated me as long as I can remember is by far one of the most excruciating processes I have ever been through and for whatever reason, God has chosen this day to really chew me out/do me in. I absolutely HATE this. I've been told by the man upstairs that a couple of you needed to read that you're not the only ones being refined right now, so that's why I'm sharing. I guess that's encouraging, right? We can kick and scream and cry together. I feel like I am going absolutely insane. I had no idea how oppressed by this damn thing I had been throughout my life. When God breaks you, you look for any damn thing you can to alleviate spiritual agony that you can't alleviate. You run to the cross and it's like God holds you, but not without yet again, breaking you more. I hear the words in my head from Psalm 115:1-3 "Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to Your name give glory, for the sake of your love and your faithfulness. Why do the nations say "where is their God?" Our God is in the heavens, and He does all that He pleases." (And yes, that was all from memory.)
This is for God's glory, and no matter what happens, I have to take it, because something good is going to come out of this. I trust Him. I just hate that my flesh wasn't so broken to begin with that it needed so much more breaking, if that makes sense. I wish this hurt less. How pathetic. "Yes God, I'd like to be holy without feeling the ripping between flesh and spirit. Maybe a little less power from the Holy Spirit perhaps?" Yeah, that's what my mind has thought. But... I'm still here. Still enduring. And please GOD, may there be a breakthrough soon. Regardless, I will praise Your name.
Sincerely,
Honesty
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