We all just want people to take the time to understand us. It sounds so simple, but it's not.
We are Christians, and while I have admittedly had doubts about my husband's salvation during certain seasons because of actions and words, I know that I also lack understanding and proper discernment sometimes. I don't think he's right all the time, but I certainly don't think I am, either. What I do know is that regardless of who is right and who is wrong, the best way to win any argument over a matter like this is to be the first to lose it. Humility and gentleness win every time. We have had a lot of humbling lately with the loss of our pregnancy, so we had time to evaluate what was what and where our faith was in the middle of it all. We have been tested.
Our marriage has outlasted every single friendship we have begun since we married. How does that work? Well, it works the same with many others who deal with this stuff. We try to befriend people, they go out of their way to be hospitable, we try to reciprocate that hospitality and help meet immediate needs of theirs that we can, we are thankful, etc. Things are ok for a while... until they see things they don't like. They find out that he can be a jerk because of issues in his head. Then the "what's the deal with your husband" conversation happens, and they don't know about PTSD, or they think they do but the triggers and issues with communication are too much or too erratic, or too "psychotic" for them to deal with, they feel exhausted and betrayed, they go on the defensive, they say we have to do things their way in order for things to be worked out... and then *bam*...
The friendship burns because my husband and I can't do things their way, in their time, or we flat out disagree because we know there are components to equations that are being missed or downsized and then we want to just forgive and forget things that we saw as minor compared to other bigger issues. We try collectively not to sweat the smaller things, but it's hard when what you think is small is huge to someone else, and vice versa, and vice versa happens a lot, too. This is usually an issue with my husband and I because I will think something is no big deal and he will blow up about it. It's hard for others to deal with that and communicate with my husband as a result. Several times, the accusation had been that he wasn't being Christlike, and it was very true. There were deep issues being worked on. There still are issues being worked out. The thing is, though, if a person is convinced that he is not Christian, they should not be waiting for him to do Christlike things. Yet, they do expect these things, and in their way, in their time. Confusion.
So many strongholds in our minds can bring confusion about God. Time spent away from Scripture can cause us to forget what it says, and time away from other believers can be an issue. It would be stupid to deny any of this. But part of resolving an issue with someone with brain trauma of any kind is to first understand them, and once you understand, decide whether or not you want to invest in learning to see things the way that person sees them, and accept the learning curve that comes with it, accept the mood swings and work through them, and be encouraging and uplifting more than accusatory and demanding. There is only room for one person to be a voice of harping on someone about all of this, and usually.... whether or not she means to, it ends up being the wife.
But sometimes the issue is that the communication skills we start working on in counseling are communication skills that others are not aware of or working on, and sometimes the way we operate as a family is not the way others operate, and there are major clashes, primarily due to a misunderstanding. My flaw (sarcasm), I guess, is taking my husband's side on matters and wanting to work with him rather than against him.
This all sounds like a bunch of drama bullshit, doesn't it? That's what it is. I hate it. In fact, don't even read this. I said in my last post that I can't wait for my journal to come in the mail so I can just write it all there and not bother with this, but.... then again... this might be helpful to someone who can relate and see how we'll resolve things.
I love my husband more than I love my friends. Then we are both accused of being lousy Christians and we are avoided and stop being invited to church events. This has happened in more than one state, even, so what I say here, while specific to the situation we are currently in, is a recurring situation and I'm sure it's because PTSD is part of the problem. The other part is what others do with the knowledge of my husband having PTSD and not knowing how to respond to it with anything besides hesitance and fear. They simply don't understand, and I don't know how to make them understand.
They see the good guy. They see him sometimes, but then they see the bad side; you know, when symptoms flare up. And I guess the bad for them outweighs the good. If I thought it did, I wouldn't be here. I push through it. Truthfully though, I'm more interested in saving my marriage than saving friendships, and truthfully, there is more good than bad, and the good outweighs the bad because I love him and I look for the good. I encourage it and take our counselor's words to heart between prayer and studying Scripture.
PTSD is not just about figuring out what is going to tip someone over the edge and make them flip out. It's not just a list of rules saying "do this" and "don't do this" or else that guy or that lady is going to go postal.
It's not like that.
Do you know that not every person who suffers from PTSD has violent tendencies, or even violent thoughts? There is the big what-if in most peoples' minds, and often that what-if comes from a mix of media and things that veterans say purely out of frustration: phrases that they could get away with saying for four or more years in combat or just in regular military service. Yes, you do hear in the media that veterans coming back from war are being tested and provoked by ignorant civilians and are responding to situations with violence because of poor coping skills. It does happen. But do you know what else?
***MOST of the time, you don't hear from the veterans very much at all, because they are dealing with hopelessness and are depressed and hate the current status of the world around them, and while they see all that's wrong around them, they figure it would be much less of a hassle to take themselves out than exhaust a ton of energy taking out everyone else in the world. You don't hear their voices because they stop talking. But their graves don't. Their graves speak volumes.***
Have you ever seen The Boondock Saints? If so, you know that the guys were all about shooting down the evil so that peace could reign. They were mocked for it and many wanted them dead. Well, some service men and women with huge hearts and passion for exterminating evil in the world come back suffering from PTSD, yet still in their hearts they want to be in the fight. They come back to an unsupportive government full of limp-wristed idiots who think Dr Phil has all the answers, and they want to go ape shit because of the lame advice they're given. The battle is raging on the inside and while sometimes they think "I wish I could just be normal," they don't really care for today's "normal," either. Why?
Today's normal is to be selfish, push the veterans under the carpet, piss on their benefits and service, and then harass and blame them for crime, or not blame the military and just blame the person... rather than deal with and resolve the problem. Few in the world (outside of military) want to fight, and few (outside of military) want to die for someone else for a good cause, but the general population wants the world's problems alleviated anyway. Problems don't just go away, and expecting someone to just change how their mind works, even if they have a heart change, is ridiculous. Physiologically, PTSD is an injury. It's not just a mental state. The brain changes when trauma is experienced. Normal stress ages bodies and bodies fall apart. PTSD is stress in the mind, the body, and the spirit and it's worse than being stressed out on the average level. It's a disorder! But PTSD sufferers still have their agendas and want to be a part of what their hearts are passionate about.
This is what I wish I could get through peoples' minds right now.
If the PTSD victims (from war) are useless, why do you make a big deal about them in the media at all? If they can just "get over it," then why claim you are afraid of them? If it's no big deal, there should be no real threat. Or, there is a big problem and you won't put forth the effort to resolve it because "it's not your issue."
I'm married to a combat veteran with PTSD and TBI. He's a lot of other things, too, but there it is. It's talked about a lot in this house lately because it has to be, but we don't need to utter the words "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" or "Traumatic Brain Injury" often among ourselves. What we do speak of is how best to model communication that we want others in our lives to demonstrate. We talk about it because we are not very good at it and we want to get better. It's one of our major goals. For my husband, taking this on is a daunting task, but you know what? He knows he needs to, and he is doing it. With help. This is what we got in counseling to work against, and work toward, and I'm sharing it because it's not advice just for married couples.
Avoid the following:
(Information from a John Gottam book, by the way)
1. Criticism
Attacking your partner's personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong.
Generalizations: "you always..." "you never..." "you're the type of person who..." "why are you so..."
2. Contempt
Attacking your partner's sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her:
-Insults and name-calling: "bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy..."
-Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
-Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
3. Defensiveness
Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack:
-Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) "It's not my fault...", "I didn't..."
-Cross-complaining: meeting your partner's complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said
-Disagreeing and then cross-complaining "That's not true, you're the one who..." "I did this because you did that..."
-Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
-Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
-Whining "It's not fair."
4. Stonewalling
Withdrawing from the relationships as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be "neutral" but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness:
-Stony silence
-Monosyllabic mutterings
-Changing the subject
-Removing yourself physically
-Silent treatment
And this is what we are trying to do instead:
-Learn to make specific complaints and requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)
-Conscious communications: Speaking the unarguable truth and listening generously
-Validate your partner (let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes)
-Shift to appreciation (5 times as much positive feeling and interaction as negative)
-Claim responsibility: "What can I learn from this?" and "What can *I* do about it?"
-Re-write your inner script (replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of appreciation and responsibility that are soothing and validating)
-Practice getting undefended (allowing your partner's utterances to be what they really are: just thoughts and puffs of air) and let go of the stories that you are making up
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