I want to slow my mind down. Make the voices stop shouting "you need this," "you know you want this," "this would look so good in your house," "oh, your husband would love this," and "your son needs this for a quality education," "you're a failure as a wife if you don't help your husband every time he doesn't voice his need," etc... I want to go up into the mountains and get away from it all, only going into the mountains won't solve this problem. It's internal. It's life. It's my memory. I remember what I ought to forget and I forget what I ought to remember. I'm told I'm way too hard on myself, but my standards for myself are high, and I believe as high as they are, they're realistic and attainable, because I'm Christian. I'm more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus.
My desire to know more [about so many things] overwhelms me, too. My want to learn, to grow, and to succeed drives me to my wit's end. And I desire so much to learn that I'm able to process very little. I have an overactive mind and need to spend more quiet time with the Lord is all.
I have some unmet needs. I'm not posting them here, as the web is not worthy of my personal life.
I'm struggling to keep friendships with people, and half of the reason is that I don't really care to exert energy that is rarely reciprocated. It's not for a lack of love. It's a hatred for one-sided communication, and I am not simply pointing fingers at others, but at myself. I'm learning how NOT to cast pearls before swine, and while I walk a lonely road, it's a blessed one because I'm sinning less or not at all in areas which many destroyed me, especially within the loving confines of my marriage. I don't give my very personal information out to many. Maybe to two or three. I can say that husband and I have had a very rocky road recently and our marriage almost faced utter ruin. I'm learning daily to pour myself out even more every day with God and with my husband and son and I have no desire to explain everything. Keeping friends who care out of the loop obviously increases isolation, but I have no ill-will toward any of them and can only pray they show me grace. I was the problem. I also repented and am making appropriate changes. God had mercy. May I be a better helper to my husband and may his leadership grow in all respects because of my open respect for him and God.
The more I study and the more I read, the less I like people, and yet the more I desire to be a good witness to them for the sake of the gospel with the forgiving and merciful love that God has shown me. Every breath I take is a paradox. Every struggle I endure reflects my love of God. Every thought I have does the same. Everything's magnified because my life is devoted to worship in Spirit and in truth. God sustains me when I often want to give up. I'm unable to quit. No truly regenerate person can. I just need to rest and quiet the extra calls for help so that I can be an example through Jesus to my own household. I don't go on quiet walks just to be with the Lord and pray very often. I must change this. I want to be exactly who I am supposed to be and be content without shortcuts and quick fixes. May I crave prayer more than a certain meal or compliment from my better half. May I glorify God in the slow-simmer of hopes differed, dreams obliterated, doors closed, and relationships crumbled. He didn't call my family to an easy life. It's hard. May I absorb more in Scripture than before. May I push myself and challenge myself to remain joyful in all circumstances consistently because I am doing the Lord's work, rather than dwell on what is wrong with everything and everyone. (I want November over with.)
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